Oh, Hello

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Long time, no? 

I am such a contradiction and truly one of those girls who always wants what I've previously eshewed or can't have. It happens all the time with coffee orders, buying clothes, haircuts, and now with this. My 'blog hiatus.'

Life is just funny (by which I mean odd, not humorous) and strange and surreal right now and so I have no coherent, organized thoughts. Just a constant stream of emotions and thoughts and impressions that are all over the place. 

And it's all piling up in my head and not always making its way out into the world through words from my lips. It's all getting a bit much and piling high and filling up my mind, and I do feel tired, but I don't think keeping in my words is helping. 

And I can't escape the fact that I only have two months left of this season, then it will be gone, never again to be had and I will never again feel or think or be like I am right at this moment. 

So yes. I'm here. And I will be from time to time...no scheduled posts, no formality or minimum amount per week. 

Just whenever the words come.

Come two months from now, things might even out and seem more professional and streamlined and polished. 

But for now, I really am going back to the old way...and things will be messy and real and honest and random on here. Snippets of life and love and solitude and seasons and growing and changing and mourning an old life while learning to grow in quiet, content anticipation for a new one. 


Monday, February 8, 2016

Dear 2016, 

want you to be a good year. 

I don't mean good in the sense where everything goes well and according to plan. 

I want you to be a good year. Full of growth and unexpected adventures and change, because change is what both scares and exhilarates me the most. 

I want you to be a year that romances me, as HB says. A song full of life and love (not necessarily the romantic kind) and laughter. 

I want you to be my Adele year. The year that I stop singing my sad songs and writing about heartbreak and love and loss, and stop thinking about that boy I fell in love with, and the couple others whom I loved and who taught my heart how to love. I want to sing about water under the bridge and about the man who looks like a movie + sounds like a song and about the pain of growing older + saying hello to the younger you and about the carefree days of childhood + being a teenager that seem like a million years ago. 

2016, I want you to be a love song that serenades me. A love song - not about any man or boy, because I've tasted love and romance and dating and I've had my fill for now - for me. 

About me.
I want this year to be the year I give myself permission to serenade myself. 

Because I can do good all by myself. 

And 2016, this 23-year-old survivor is ready. I've survived almost a quarter of a century - and most importantly, I survived being blonde and the entirety of 2015 and lived to tell the tale.

This is a year to be brave. 


It's Not Adieu, But Au Revoir

Friday, February 5, 2016

'Dear Jane, 
Michael had the compass so the picture is for you. Au revoir. 
Mary Poppins. 

She read it out loud until she came to the words she couldn't understand. 
"Mrs. Brill!" she called. "What does 'au Revoir' mean?"
"Au revoir, deary?" shrieked Mrs. Brill from the next room. "Why doesn't it mean - let me see, I'm not up in these foreign tongues - doesn't it mean 'God bless you'? No. No, I'm wrong. I think, Miss Jane dear, it means To meet again."
Jane and Michael looked at each other. Joy and understanding shone in their eyes. 
Michael have a long sigh of relief. "That's all right," he said shakily. "She always does what she says she will." He turned away. 
"Michael are you crying?" Jane asked. 
He twisted his head and tried to smile at her.
"No, I am not," he said. "It's only my eyes."'

Never, ever did I think I would be writing this post. 

"Blog hiatus" was always something other bloggers did (ones who went through a personal season of grief or who outgrew their blog or decided to take the public focus off of their families). None of those apply to me. 

I'm just tired. Life is a lot right now (not in any major upheaval way, nothing horrible has happened, don't worry). It's just a lot. And I've felt tired since November and that's never really gone away. 

These last few weeks I kept thinking, "I haven't blogged in a while, I need to post," or "I should post." But I don't have much in me right now. 

Life is very tender and full and busy right now, and I need to live it during the next few months. Just looking ahead in my calandar reveals what I already know in my gut: I won't have time - or energy - to blog. 

I'm a full-time college student at a demanding liberal arts college, with an 18-hour semester, and a part-time job who is trying to do well in classes and enjoy this last precious semester, and most importantly, graduate. 

I've learned by now that something has to give. And for right now, unfortunately, that's this little spare oom. So until the last bit of this particular season is over, I need to say goodbye. 

Better to announce it rather than resolving to post regularly and then fail, no? 

I will miss this space and the sweet readers who still check in despite my silence lately. Know that this is not the end, I'm not disappearing forever like Bilbo from the Shire. I'll still be posting over on my favorite social media platform, my Instagram account (and let's be honest, mini-blogging with my paragraph-long captions). 

And of course, I'll still be reading your blogs. There's so much inspiration and encouragement and support in this lovely blogging world, so I haven't any intention of cutting myself off from the community. I just need to keep my words to myself for a while. And retreat from this dear old corner for a bit. 

As the words from Lucy's song sing, 

I'll be back. 

Until then, au revoir.