The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

Wednesday, November 19, 2014



I've started post after post...begun typing, feeling that I should be full of words to say. Especially after an absence, after this silence. But each time, my fingers falter and the words fade away...and I am left with a blank white screen before me.

To have nothing to say is a rare occurance for me. And yet, here I am.

Typing away, unsure what will spill out. Unsure if there is anything to spill out.

Silence gives one pause + time to think. Do my words matter? What do I have to offer? Am I only painting a picture of cheer and smiles and pink and all things bright + colorful? Am I growing beyond that? 

I'm no longer the young girl who began this blog so many years ago - exuberant and buoyant and wide-eyed. Whose world was made up of fantasy stories, books, and innocent dreams of childhood. But my world is larger now. It no longer simply encompasses the boundaries of my bedroom and the safety of home. The world stretches and widens and horizons glimmer with the unknown.

Only now, some of it is known. Time goes on and years pass. As your world expands, so too does your soul. Everything leaves its mark, causes it to grow: love, discipline, trials, fear, change, and even loss.

It is awe-inspiring and overwhelming to realize that one's world never completely settles. It's always changing, always expanding, always reverberating with something - whether it's truth, pain, or love. In many ways, the silence has been good for me. In many more ways, something is urging me to remain in the silence.

To stay and listen - be.

A distant voice whispers, 'But you should write...update.'

But for the first time in a long time, I'm not listening. I did not begin this blog for fame or profit or hundreds of followers. I know the secrets to success - post constantly, update readers, find your niche and fill it.

But I think I've forgotten why I began this blog. I think many of us have...we started writing to share, to pour out from ourselves the words and thoughts and beauty that we found in every day life. To share the glimmers and glimpses of sunshine. This isn't a hardened, jaded post to say that I am through with blogging, that it has become too industrialized.

This is me saying that I've been living in the shadows and sunshine. And it's hard to always share that...because sometimes, we're not supposed to share everything with everyone. Sometimes we need to go through growth, through seasons, through changes. And only afterwards can we look back and see what took place.

We don't know we've grown until we already have.

And I'm growing. Again. In a different, deeper, more painful and sweeter way than before. But I'm learning, I think, that I will always experience growth.

And so when the voice whispers, 'you should post,' I whisper back, 'it's not time yet.'

I'm aware that this is a jumble of words and thoughts; I've struggled with finding words for a post for some time...a few nights ago, I was able to attend Switchfoot's last concert of their Fading West tour. And that night - as they played, as Jon Foreman sung with his entire soul and being, as the hundreds of souls in that room were lit by the beauty of music - something shook loose inside of me.

And one of the last songs they played lingered in the air, full of joy and art and the unspeakable expression of human emotion that is music. And I understood more than I did before.

The shadow proves the sunshine.