Why Girls Are an Earthly Paradox

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Sometimes I feel like a paradox. Most of us do, I suspect.

But sometimes, I wonder...how I can be so polite and hate confrontation - and yet be fierce and speak my mind when it needs to be said? How I so easily assume the protective/lioness role of an older sister and yet love nothing more than feeling safe and protective. How can I love home and the coziness of belonging, of routine and familiarity and yet be filled with a yearning wanderlust I have known all my life that urges me to travel far and wide, a wanderlust so strong that sometimes I wonder if I will come back once I leave.

I've often felt that I've never quite fit in and struggle with trying to understand where my place is in this world...as an odd twenty-something with an old soul, the behaviorisms and nurturing nature of a mom, the sometimes nagging responsibleness of an oldest child, the optimism of a dreamer, the wide-eyed wonder of a little one, and the grumbling pessimism of a crotchety wizened elder.

What I do know is that I have never struggled with understanding myself and my emotions. MaryBeth's post about her daughter phrased it perfectly: "Happy is really happy with loud, deep laughs. Mad is really mad with temper tantrums and full-on wars. And sad is wailing and cocoons in her favorite green blanket."

 I am - by turns - fiercely jealous, deeply heartbroken, overwhelmingly happy, highly protective, giddy with laughter, seething in anger, and quiet with content. And it makes me wonder sometimes...why we girls grow up thinking we have to fit into boxes and neat labels. Logic and reason will never be my strengths. I'm a girl of heart, who puts people and love above everything else. And yet, I have a good head on my shoulders and plenty of common sense.

So if I feel so very deeply...about everything in life...why should I try to change that? It's who I am, and who I choose to be. Unapologetically.

I have many girlfriends, all of whom are vastly different from me. One dear girlfriend is logical and methodical and brilliant and organized. Another is artistic, quirky, spontaneous, and disorganized. One is concise, succinct, practical, and witty. Yet another is full of dreams, hilarity, creativity, and hates change.

We're all so very different, and I hope we stay that way. I want more than anything to be a mother one day...and I want to look with pride at my little girl who will be like no one else in the world. And before she gets old enough to hear the world's whispers that she 'needs to fit in', she will be her - a person all uniquely herself. A tiny person who pairs a tutu with rainboots and wears orange + purple together and says "pasghetti" and sings at the top of her little lungs.

She will not know any of that makes her different and she will not care.

And oh, how I will want that future little girl of mine to stay that way. To be who she is without apologies and to sashay through life confident in herself and what makes her her. I want her mama to be that way too - for her to grow up seeing me love everything about myself...the silliness, my need for spell check, my constant singing, and my ability to cry at the drop of a hat whether it's because of a book ending or breaking a dish at the end of a long day.

The girls that never quite fit in? They pave the way for other girls...because if we all "fit in," then we're not being ourselves. And as MaryBeth said, it's the girls like those who change the world


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Grace said...

I'm the same way- I love my home so much that people think I'm agoraphobic, yet I love to travel and see things and learn. And I've worn purple and orange together. ;) Loved it!

The Starving Inspired said...

"It's a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply." Unquote somebody. But yes... So very true. Cheers to being a misfit. :)

The Starving Inspired

Elizabeth Anne said...

Beautifully written and so inspiring! Thank you! I have been absolutely loving all your posts this summer!

Grace K. said...

Misfits are the best. Thanks for the comment love, lady. :)

Grace K. said...

Thank you so much, Elizabeth Anne - that really does mean so much to me!

Grace K. said...

Hey...nothing wrong with that color combination. You go, Glen Coco. ;)