I don't know about you, but I'm tired of worrying what the opposite sex thinks of me or of not liking how I look. I'm tired of struggling with insecure thoughts. I'm tired of trying to impress a guy, or wondering what he thinks about me, or if I look pretty enough.
Done with all that - done with telling myself I'll be good enough someday. That a guy will love me for who I am and how I look someday. That I'll be the person he wants to be with someday.
Do I really want a guy who will fall for me ONLY or AFTER I look more attractive/lose weight/get toner? It's one thing to look a certain way, and then worry when you're middle-aged if your husband thinks you're still beautiful now that you've had kids, gained some weight, look a little different than you did when he first met you...
But I realized I don't want to "get" a guy only after I'm thin, pretty, successful, and rich. Because....what does that mean? What does that say - that I have to become all of those things for him to like me or think I'm beautiful?
As if who I am right now, this very instant, is something to be embarrassed about? I don't want that. I don't want my man to love my "After." I want him to love my "Before."
So who I am right now - 21, a student, definitely curvier and a bit heavier/softer than I used to be, silly, fiercely compassionate, frequently take-charge and spontaneous - isn't good enough for some guy, then I don't want his love or attention in the first place.
Because I hate the idea of having to change for someone. Every guy I've ever liked has been someone with quirks that I've loved. I've never thought, "Oh, but he needs to change/lose weight/be tanner/talk more." Nope. Never. Instead, I've found myself thinking, "Mm, maybe I should talk less because he's quiet. Maybe I should lose weight because he seems to go for blonde, skinny girls. Maybe I'm too bossy and mothering for him, so I should let him do all the leading" and so forth.
But I am tired of that. I am TIRED OF CHASING. Because I sure as heck don't want to have to convince someone to like me.
I want him to fall for me, all on his own, without any help. I want to BE CHASED.
As one friend put it, I want to be 'a catch. THE catch. The girl who's going to totally turn someone's life around, make his head spin, and make him wonder what in life he was doing to ever keep himself away from me for so long. I want to be the catch that will reel him closer to God and make him doubt whether his life was so planned out in advance + make him fight back any selfish loves...and even wonder if he could really go around able to love if he knew that I was out there, someone who seems to answer all his prayers. I want to make someone crazy + confused because he won't be able to believe his ears, eyes, or luck.'
That's what I want. But I do NOT want to have that only after I become different. Because if a guy's head doesn't spin and he doesn't fall in love with me, exactly as I am, then...I don't want him to fall in love with me, period.
I wouldn't want my future love, the man I'll marry, to change. Because I believe he will be good enough for me, the way he is. And I will be good enough for him too. Today. Not someday.