Wanting to Be Someone's Girl

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Earlier this semester, I met up with an out-of-town friend. We caught up over coffee and laughed and talked about his future plans and the girl he's dating.

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And back in my own room after goodbye and parting wishes, I took a minute to sit, be still. Digest. Think. Be. 

Oh you're seeing someone?

It shouldn't be a surprise, but it is. And I'm glad for him. I think of my own future someone and sit, thinking and wishing.

Wishing I was seeing him. I wonder what it's like to be pursued and chased, to be gazed at intently across the coffee table, to be asked about my life by someone who really truly wants to know - who isn't just asking to be polite. 

I wonder what it's like to be thought of  - to sit opposite someone who would rather be there than anywhere else. What it would be like to hear those words from my lips: I'm seeing someone. 

Because I wish I was. We would be good  together, I think. I'd support him, I'm crazy over the moon for him, but most of all I respect him - enough to want to date him, which says a lot. Because I haven't met many boys that I like and respect in that regard. But he's not a boy; he's young, yes, but he's a man. 

And I wish I could be his girl.

I think back to the conversation with my friend - we talked about first kisses, dating and being confident and going for it, because you either succeed or fail and the worse that can happen is the person says no.

And I think to myself how different my friend and I are. He's blond and blue-eyed, exuberantly confident and at ease with himself. He's the kind who goes for anything because he believes in what he has to offer and if the girl's not interested, well, that's life. You live and move on.

I'm brunette and dark-eyed, and so outgoing yet simultaneously unsure + insecure. I feel I have little to offer and if anything, feel sure of rejection should I put my heart out there.  

You're an open book, someone tells me, and I frown frustratedly. I don't know how not to be, and apparently I need to be more mysterious which is puzzling and discouraging all at the same time. Because my someone, he doesn't need to change; I like him just the way he is. I want to be me, I wanted to be liked for me, not because I'm changing who I am and how I act. I want to feel pretty in his eyes, want to be the girl that he's crazy about. 

But I can't escape the feeling that me, who I am isn't good enough. 

And that's hard, because how can I put myself out there, how can I try when I feel like me as I am isn't good enough - because, well, he's not interested, is he? So clearly that whole 'be less open and more mysterious' is a thing. 

Which only complicated and confuses everything, when really it's all very simple. 

I like him, a great deal. And I just want to be with him, to make him happy, to make him laugh. But I want him to make me happy too. I want him to want to make me happy and to want to make me laugh. 

I want to be the reason someone's eyes light up - just like that person is the reason that mine light up. It's not so outrageous, that wish...

I just want to be someone's girl. 

I want to be his girl.

(Some musings from earlier this semester)

8 comments:

  1. Amen..sister! I constantly ask God "why not now? we'd be so happy together..whoever he is." but then God reminds me...not yet. He isn't ready-I'm not ready. Because when I meet the one, I want our relationship to be serious. And God knows that I'm not yet ready for a serious relationship. Darling, you are beautiful. You are worth being pursued. And when that time comes, when he finds you..or you find him, you'll be glad you waited. Prayers for you, girl! This time of singlehood is difficult, but a blessing in disguise.

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  2. Beautiful thoughtful words deary. <3

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  3. It's hard now, but looking back when you are happily with somebody, you won't even remember your struggles. Keep praying, and stay close to God. He only wants what's best for you:)
    God bless!

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  4. I know this feeling too well-- the fear of my own inadequacy, the fear that whoever my someone is, he won't like me, the fear of being daring and letting feelings get messy. I usually feel like I'm so scared of being alone after a rejection that I'd rather just be alone! ButI know that you will be a wonderful girl for someone and he will be so happy to call you his and you will be so happy to call him yours. But he hasn't entered the scene yet, least of all, not in that way. God will help us find patience for right now and to find the someones we dream of, someday. I'll pray for you. :)

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  5. Dear girl, my heart goes out to you! So often, I find all women feel this way. It's one of the greatest desires of our hearts to be pursued, to be wanted - but best of all, Jesus is pursuing us in each passing. In these moments when we just want to be someone's girl - Jesus is speaking silently to our hearts "you are my girl". And when that boy...err man, comes along, it'll be far greater than what our minds can fathom, and often quite unexpected (granted, this is what I've seen in my friends and what my older friends have told me.. I don't from experience, but I do know from watching relationships unfold) Basically - we just have to be patient, and allow Jesus to pursue us, be who we are, be confident in who we are, and it will happen someday.

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