Saturday, February 22, 2014

Growing Pains

Things have been abnormally quiet around here, for which I am sorry. I've hammered out a few posts, but these past few weeks have been strange, leaving me with so many words and feelings on the inside and unsure of how to share them.

I love blogging. I love this place. I love sharing my heart with you readers. I love the community of blogging.

But sometimes things are too deep and unknown and strange to put into words - especially if you don't understand yourself what those things are. I can't describe except to say that it's felt like winter, like tangles of brush that I'm searching through, looking for me, looking for something but I'm not sure what it is and it's calling to me, and I don't know what it is. 

For lack of a better word...I think it's growth. Growing pains of the soul, of my heart, of me. I didn't think such a thing existed. I knew I would change along the way, that I'd slowly grow up and mature and then realize one day that I'm a different person. 

But I never imagined I'd feel it. Because how can you lose yourself - how can you not yourself any more? It just happens and one day you wake up realizing that somewhere along the way you fell out with yourself and it's an awkward dance between two people who used to know each other perfectly and now there's pauses, misunderstood looks, and confusion.

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It's being here, present, but feeling like the you on the inside is gone, that you can't find her right now...and that fact is so unsettling and startling, it completely rattles you and leaves you shaken and confused.

Where's me? 

It's craziness, these growing pains. It's loneliness and winter blues, and PMS-ing and quietness and confusion and a strange melancholiness all at once. And it's disorienting because life is rushing by and your to-do list is long each day, and the one constant you can rely on is yourself. 

But you're different now.

And you're not sure how. Or why. Or when it happened. 

But things have been shifting these last few weeks. Expanding. Changing. Stirring. 

It's a strange whirlwind, like a leaf tumbling in the wind, turning and spinning from one place to another, never sure when things will calm or when it will finally land...

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But I think I finally am landing. I'm drifting slower now - the wind is less tumultuous and I can finally see the trees around me and feel the warmth of sunlight. It's coming through the tops of the trees more clearly now. Sun. Warmth. Light. Life. 

I've worn less skirts...more simple jeans + long flowing dresses.  
Less high heels...more flats. 
Less full-on, dramatic makeup...more just dark eyeliner or a natural face. 
Less wearing color...more blacks, dark blues + greens and neutrals.
Less rushing...more soaking up the sunlight + precious stolen moments of peace amidst chaos. 
Less technology...more sitting in quiet + letting God move me.
Less chatter...more thoughtfulness and quiet smiles.
Less fried food...more grilled chicken + broccoli. 
Less running, running everywhere...more withdrawing and being still.
Less wanting things...more treasuring hugs.
Less trying to be impressive...more just being: glasses, hair in braids, no makeup, simple outfit, scarf. No apologies. No insecurity. 

I don't think I've necessarily "let myself go" or anything like that. I just think this is a season of being quiet, of slowing down, and as such it's reflecting in how I dress, in how I spend my rare few free moments, etc. 

It's like getting to know myself again...except it's a different me. I love how Hannah described it: meeting her self for coffee, the her that is confident and can see ahead the bend in the road. 

And that's how it is...the new me is a little quieter, a little more knowing with her smile, across the table from me. I trace the edge of my coffee cup, frowning with soft frustration and uncertainty.

She sits opposite me, thin rings on her hands, in a sweater and scarf, with much darker hair and a strange sense of comfort and ease in her own skin. "It gets better," she says with a laugh. "You don't change completely."

"But I don't understand this part of the story - I don't understand why I don't feel like me," I say stubbornly.

She raises her eyebrows into her dark bangs, dark brown eyes crinkling in the corner like they always do when I'm amused. "Stories have to unfold," she points out. "Which generally involves change...even if it's not the kind you expected." 

"But nothing's happened," I emphasize. "No one in my life's died, I'm not dating someone, I haven't studied abroad or had anything life-changing happen to me."

She laughs at me openly now. "Who said something has to happen? You're just growing into yourself. Sometimes knowledge changes us more powerfully than any experience. That's what growing pains are, after all."

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. I've been feeling the same way lately. *hugs* Praying for you!

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    1. So glad to hear we're kindred spirits in yet another way...I love how blogging can connect you to so many different souls. Sending prayers your way also!

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  2. Growing is tough. Last year was a year a lot like that. And don't worry that "nothing has happened". The something can just be you happening. :) You're right--no apologies! I'll pray for you through this season of growth.

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    1. I agree - even the "just you happening" is so monumental of a change. Thank you for your prayers, Lisa!

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  3. I can't believe we both titled our posts and wrote about the same things!! And on the same day. What a coincidence. :) Anyhow, I know what you're going through... so, praying, as always. <3 The second picture is absolutely LOVELY. Blessings, dear.

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    1. Aspirer - agreed! What a small, small world. You worded it so beautifully on your blog...so glad we can share in this season together. Praying for you also! And I love the second picture with the quote also! I'd never seen it with an image and loved how it looked.

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  4. When I lose me, I run to Christ, and find myself in Him. "You are in My Heart" ~Jesus to St. Faustina

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    1. A beautiful thought. Thank you for sharing!

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  5. Thank you for this... I've been toying with the idea of writing something like this, but you beat me to it. ;) Blessings, Raewyn!
    ~ Country Girl's Daybook, recently posted: Catholic beauty & our student chapel: http://bit.ly/1c4jBmC

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  6. Thank you for writing this. I am experiencing the same and it's nice to remember that it will all make sense soon. Thank you.

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'lo!

Please keep in mind words can make one's day, or ruin it...so be kind..thank you!